Thirty-seven dog jokes, sorted by breed and format. Some are excellent. Most are not. All have been approved by at least one dog.
Puppy Jokes
What’s a puppy’s favourite subject?
Barkeology!
What’s a puppy’s favourite kind of pizza?
Pupperoni.
What do trees and puppies have in common?
They both have a lot of bark.
What does a dog like to eat at the movies?
Pup-corn.
What do you get when you cross a puppy and a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
Why is it called a litter of puppies?
Because they’ll trash the place.
What do you call a frozen dog?
A pupsicle.
“We’re eating dinner soon. Don’t fill up on homework.” — Dog mum
Sheepdog & Border Collie Jokes
We also have a full article of Border Collie jokes and Border Collie memes if you need more.
What do you get when you cross a sheepdog with a flower?
A collie-flower!
Why do people think Border Collies are such good listeners?
Because they act like they always HERD you.
What do you get if you cross a dog with a vegetable?
A Broc-COLLIE!
What is a Collie’s favourite condiment?
MUST-HERD!
What’s round and green and chases sheep?
A Melon-collie!
You don’t have to tell a Border Collie a joke twice.
They HERD you the first time.
The Rounded-Up Sheep
A sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen and reports back to the farmer: “All 60 accounted for.” “But I only have 57 sheep,” says the farmer. “I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”
Did You Hear That?
Two Border Collies are going to sleep on the farm. Suddenly there’s a loud noise from the sheep area. Chester jumps up: “Did you hear that from the sheep, Barney?” Barney: “Of course I herd them.”
Hard Work
A Collie was talking about how hard he works on the farm. A nearby sheep yells out: “YOU don’t work hard, all you do is boss US around.” “WHAT DID YOU SAY?” shouted the Collie. “You HERD me,” the sheep replied.
Dalmatian, Yorkie & Labrador Jokes
What did the hungry Dalmatian say when he ate his dinner?
That really hit the spot!
What is a dog’s favourite city?
New Yorkie.
What do you call a dog magician?
A labracadabror.
Poodle Jokes
What do you get when you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle, and a rooster?
A cockerpoodledoo!
What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
You can step in a poodle.
What kind of dog loves to take bubble baths?
A shampoodle.
The Poodle’s Problems
A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle unloads on his friend: “My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.” “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie. “I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”
Dog Training Jokes
The Questionnaire
Before meeting new clients, a dog trainer asks them to fill out a questionnaire. One question asked: “Why did you choose this breed?” The client responded: “I often ask myself the same question.”
The Ball
One dog to another: “My owner is so stupid. I’ve brought him the ball a thousand times but he continues to throw it away!”
Knock Knock Dog Jokes
Dog 1: I’m sad, tell me a joke.
Dog 2: Okay. I know a good one: Knock kn…
Dog 1: BARK BARK BARK BARK
One-Liners & Short Jokes
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Same place you left him.
Why is the dog such a good storyteller?
He knows how to paws for dramatic effect.
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
That was ruff!
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get to the barking lot.
What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words right out of his mouth.
What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?
He stole the show!
What do a dog and a mobile phone have in common?
Both have a collar ID.
How do rangers who catch dogs get paid?
By the pound.
What did the dog say to the tree?
Bark.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws.
What did one flea say to another?
Should we walk or take a dog?
What do you call a dog with a surround sound system?
A sub-woofer.
What does a dog say before eating?
Bone appétit!
Her: “Aww, you’re the best, I love you.” Him: “Oh darling, I love you too.” Her: “Be quiet, I’m talking to our dog!”
My dog is my soulmate. We both love naps and get annoyed at the neighbour.
Man 1: “Your dog bit my mother-in-law!” Man 2: “Oh sorry, do you want me to reimburse her for the pain and suffering?” Man 1: “No, I want to buy your dog!”
I spend five minutes every day choosing a TV channel to leave on for my dog. Then I go to work, and people take me seriously as an adult.
I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him.
There’s an old saying that dogs who bark don’t bite. Unfortunately, most dogs aren’t aware of the saying.
